First separate a hard environment from a harmful one. Protect yourself by documenting incidents, setting clear boundaries in writing and raising issues through the right channel. Try one or two honest fixes, but if the pattern continues or affects your health, plan a calm exit rather than enduring it indefinitely.
What people tell me
My manager criticises me in front of the team, changes priorities without warning and then blames me when things are late. Messages arrive late at night with an expectation of immediate replies. Other people seem to be affected too, but nobody says anything. I am starting to dread work, I sleep badly, and I wonder whether this is just how the industry is or whether I should leave.
A composite of the messages behind this question, with personal details left out.
Key takeaways
- Distinguish a demanding environment (high standards, tough feedback) from a harmful one (humiliation, blame, unreasonable hours as a norm).
- Keep a private, factual log of incidents with dates, what was said and who saw it.
- Move important agreements into writing: priorities, deadlines and changes.
- Raise issues calmly with the manager first if safe, then with HR or a skip-level manager if needed.
- Your health comes first. Planning an exit is not failure; staying in a damaging place for years has real costs.
Hard or harmful?
Not every difficult workplace is toxic. Tight deadlines, direct feedback and a demanding manager can be uncomfortable and still healthy. It helps to be clear which you are dealing with, because the response is different.
| Demanding but fair | Harmful |
|---|---|
| Critical feedback given in private, about the work | Criticism in public, about you as a person |
| High expectations, clearly stated | Moving targets, then blame when they are missed |
| Occasional late nights for real emergencies | Constant after-hours messages expected to be answered |
| Disagreement allowed | Disagreement punished |
| Mistakes treated as learning | Mistakes used against you |
If most of what you experience is in the right column, and it is a pattern rather than one bad week, you are dealing with something harmful.
Step 1: document, privately and factually
Keep a log outside company systems, in your own notes. For each incident, write:
- Date and time
- What happened and what was said, as close to verbatim as you can
- Who else was present
- Any effect on your work
Stick to facts, not interpretations. "Said in standup that my code was 'useless' in front of five people" is useful. "Was horrible to me again" is not. You may never use this log, but if you need to escalate, it turns a vague complaint into something HR can act on.
Step 2: move agreements into writing
A lot of workplace conflict comes from shifting verbal instructions. After any conversation that changes priorities or deadlines, send a short message:
"Just confirming from our call: I will pause the reports feature and focus on the checkout bug first. The reports feature will move to next week. Let me know if I have misunderstood."
This protects you and often calms things down, because it removes ambiguity. What should I do when my manager gives vague requirements? has more on this.
Step 3: set boundaries politely
For after-hours messages, you can agree expectations rather than simply ignoring them:
"I want to make sure I respond to what is urgent. For messages after 8pm, should I treat them as for the next morning unless you mark them urgent or call me?"
Most managers will say yes. If they say no to any reasonable boundary, that is useful information.
Step 4: raise it, carefully
If it feels safe, try one direct conversation with your manager, focused on specific behaviour and its effect on your work:
"When feedback on my work happens in the standup, it is hard for me to take it in properly. Could we go through that kind of thing in our one-to-ones instead?"
If that does not help, or if it is not safe, go to a skip-level manager or HR with your log. Stay calm and factual, and ask for a specific outcome: a change of reporting line, a mediated conversation, or a move to another team.
Step 5: protect your health
If you are sleeping badly, dreading every morning or feeling anxious most of the time, take it seriously. The WHO fact sheet on mental health at work explains how work conditions affect wellbeing. Talk to someone you trust, and consider professional support if things are heavy.
Step 6: plan an exit if it does not change
You do not owe any company years of your health. If one or two fair attempts have failed, start preparing to leave on your own terms:
| Weeks | Action |
|---|---|
| 1 to 2 | Update your CV while you still have energy; list achievements |
| 3 to 4 | Quietly reach out to your network; look at open roles |
| 5 to 8 | Interview; keep your current work solid so references stay good |
| After offer | Resign professionally, give proper notice, do not burn bridges |
In interviews, do not criticise the old manager. "I am looking for a team with a stronger engineering culture and clearer processes" is enough. Ask future employers how they handle disagreements and after-hours work; their answers tell you a lot.
Questions to ask before your next job
To avoid walking into the same situation, ask interviewers and future teammates:
- "How does the team handle disagreements about technical decisions?"
- "What happens when a deadline is missed?"
- "What are the expectations around messages outside working hours?"
- "How is feedback usually given here?"
- "Why did the last person in this role leave?"
Listen for specific examples rather than slogans. A calm, concrete answer is a good sign. Visible discomfort or a vague "we are like a family" is worth noting.
Common mistakes
- Assuming this is normal in tech. Plenty of teams are demanding and respectful at the same time.
- Reacting emotionally in public. It shifts attention from their behaviour to yours.
- Relying only on memory. Without a log, escalation becomes your word against theirs.
- Quitting with no plan and no savings, unless your health truly requires it.
- Staying for years hoping it will fix itself.
If you are still stuck
What should I do when I disagree with a senior engineer or tech lead? covers healthier conflict, and the essay Kind Engineering describes what a good team feels like. If you want a private, calm second opinion, join Sefism for free with starting credits; as a member, ask your own question or book a 1:1 session.
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