How to Disagree Productively and Find Common Ground (Julia Dhar, TED@BCG)
World debate champion Julia Dhar offers three techniques for disagreeing without fighting: start from common ground, separate ideas from the people who hold them, and be open to being wrong. A 15 minute talk for class discussions, team meetings and family dinners.
Video
Career Growth
Julia Dhar (TED@BCG Toronto)
15 min talk
All
Free
What it is
How to Disagree Productively and Find Common Ground is a talk by Julia Dhar, a world debating champion and strategy consultant at Boston Consulting Group. She gave it at TED@BCG in Toronto in October 2018, and it runs about 15 minutes. Drawing on competitive debate, she argues that disagreement is not the problem: it is how we do it.
The ideas that matter most
- Start from common ground. Debaters begin by finding what they and the other side agree on, such as shared facts or a shared goal. Leading with what you share makes the disagreement easier to hear.
- Separate ideas from identity. When an idea is tied to who proposed it, rejecting the idea feels like rejecting the person. Discuss ideas on their merits, whoever they came from.
- Be open to being wrong. Debaters often have to argue sides they do not believe, which teaches them to take other views seriously. Going in ready to change your mind makes it more likely others will too.
- Disagreement can be productive. Done well, it improves decisions in teams, classrooms and families instead of damaging relationships.
Honest limits
The talk works best for disagreements between people with roughly equal standing. With a senior at work or a parent, power and respect shape what you can say and how, so adapt the techniques to your situation. It is a short talk, so pair it with a book or practice for deeper skill.
Who it suits
Students in group projects, juniors who want to push back politely, and anyone heading into a tense conversation at home.
How to use it well
- Watch it, then think of a current disagreement and write down three things you and the other person agree on.
- Rewrite your view so it is about the idea, not the person.
- In your next discussion, ask one genuine question about the other view before you argue against it.
Pair it with on Sefism
- Follow Speaking and being heard.
- Use the common-ground opening with Family expectations and your own path.
- Go deeper with Crucial Conversations.
- For advice on your own situation, ask Tauseef a question.
Best for: disagreeing without damaging relationships.
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