Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (Marshall B. Rosenberg)

What it is

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life is by Marshall B. Rosenberg, a psychologist who founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication. The book, now in its third edition from PuddleDancer Press, sets out a simple structure for saying what is alive in you and hearing what is alive in others. It has been used in families, schools, workplaces and mediation around the world.

The ideas that matter most

• Observations, not evaluations. "You came in at 11 pm three nights this week" lands very differently from "You are irresponsible". Describe what happened, as a camera would.
• Feelings, not thoughts dressed as feelings. "I feel worried" is a feeling. "I feel that you do not care" is a judgement.
• Needs behind feelings. Feelings point to needs such as respect, rest, understanding or security. Naming the need makes it easier for the other person to help.
• Clear, doable requests. Ask for a specific action, not a vague change, and be ready to hear no. A demand punishes a no; a request does not.
• Empathic listening. When the other person is upset, listen for their feelings and needs before defending yourself.

Honest limits

The four-step format can sound stiff or scripted at first, and people may notice if you use it as a technique. Use it to think clearly, then speak in your own words and language. It is not a tool for situations of abuse or coercion; there, put your safety first and seek professional help.

Who it suits

Anyone in tense relationships at home, in a hostel or at work, people who tend to blame or to swallow their feelings, and those preparing to talk with family about choices they disagree on.

How to use it well

• Read one chapter a week.
• Each day, rewrite one judgement you made as an observation, feeling, need and request.
• Practise empathic listening with a friend for five minutes, without giving advice.

Pair it with on Sefism

• Use it in Family expectations and your own path and Speaking and being heard.
• Build closer friendships with Building your support system.
• For advice on your own situation, ask Tauseef a question.

Best for: saying hard things honestly without blame, and listening without defending.