The Courage to Be Disliked (Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga)

What it is

The Courage to Be Disliked is by Ichiro Kishimi, a Japanese philosopher and Adler scholar, and Fumitake Koga, a writer. It was first published in Japanese in 2013 and became a bestseller there; the English edition came out in 2018 (Atria Books in the US, Allen & Unwin in Australia and the UK, 288 pages). It is written as five nights of conversation between a philosopher and a sceptical young man, which makes Adler's psychology easy to follow.

The ideas that matter most

• Your past does not decide your future. Adler focused less on what caused you to be this way and more on the goal your behaviour serves now. That leaves room to choose differently.
• All problems are interpersonal. Much of what troubles us is about other people: comparison, approval, competition.
• Separate your tasks from theirs. Ask "whose task is this?" Doing your best work is your task; how someone judges it is theirs. You can care about others without taking on their choices.
• Do not live to satisfy expectations. If you only do what earns approval, you live someone else's life. Being free means accepting that some people may not like you.
• Horizontal relationships and contribution. See others as equals, not above or below you, and find worth in contributing rather than in praise.

Honest limits

The dialogue format repeats itself, and the ideas are presented with great certainty. Read "the separation of tasks" carefully: in many families, especially in South Asia, duties to parents and siblings are real and matter. The book is useful for loosening the grip of approval, not a reason to ignore or cut off family. It is philosophy, not therapy; if you are carrying trauma or low mood, a professional can help.

Who it suits

People who cannot say no, who compare themselves constantly, or who feel trapped by family expectations and past mistakes.

How to use it well

• Read one night (chapter) a week and write down the idea you resisted most.
• Use "whose task is this?" on one worry each day.
• Talk the ideas through with a friend; the dialogue format invites argument.

Pair it with on Sefism

• Explore what you want with Knowing yourself.
• Balance your path and your family's hopes with Family expectations and your own path.
• Ease the need for approval with Building real confidence.
• For advice on your own situation, ask Tauseef a question.

Best for: loosening the grip of approval and comparison.