Stage 6 · Lesson 1 of 6

Why feedback stings

In their book on receiving feedback, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen describe three triggers that make people reject it. Truth triggers: the feedback seems wrong or unfair. Relationship triggers: you react to who said it, "what do they know?"

Identity triggers: it shakes your picture of yourself, such as "I thought I was good at this." Naming which trigger is firing helps you slow down. You can still disagree later, but first you need to understand what was meant.

Common trapreacting to the trigger, defending yourself or shutting down, before you have even understood the point being made.

A question to check yourself and an AI practice session come when you add the roadmap to your account. Add it

Resources for this stage

Start with

BookPaid
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen (Penguin Books) · Paid book
From two of the authors of the feedback triggers idea, on hard conversations of every kind

Practise

The Update, the Vent, and the Disaster
How to bring a problem to your manager, and what they are listening for

Keep handy

One on One Meeting Questions
Specific questions to ask for useful feedback in one-to-ones

Also worth your time

The Confidence Gap (Russ Harris)ReadPaid
On acting on what matters while the fear and self-doubt are still there

Struggling right now? If you are in danger or thinking about harming yourself, contact local emergency services or a crisis line: Find a helpline (any country), Umang (Pakistan), Tele-MANAS, 14416 (India).